recently i had a friend needed a shoulder to cry on and as always i was there to listen sooth and offer hot chocolate, but as i listened it occurred to me that her life was filled with these problems or so she thought, in reality the problem was that she was letting her past experiences overtake her life, these experiences bad as they were had taken place in her childhood and now twenty years later she could not let go of them so much that it all ruled her life now, her past had taken over the whole of her past life her present life was poisoned and her future look bleak as she continued to let the poison rule everything she thought about, it was so bad she could not even visit with her in-laws because she resented how happy they were and the love they showed for their children -her husband and his siblings – that she would boil over with resentment and ruin her relationship with them it often ended with her storming off and this resulted in arguments with her spouse.

how awful that she continued to let herself be the prisoner of these past experiences, now i know it is very difficult sometimes to see past awful things that happen and i have, as i mentioned before, had the sort of childhood that  would have had many a weaker person run for the hills, even in most of my adult life i have suffered so many experiences that a lot of others would have just crumbled and many would probably consider suicide rather than live through half of what i have been through, but there is one big thing i have learnt from all of it, DO NOT LET YOUR PAST RULE YOUR FUTURE

sounds simple doesn’t it, it’s not really, really it’s very difficult when i was very young i coped by running away from home a lot in brief and no i will not divulge any details i have no wish to, suffice it to say the situation at ‘home’ or the place i lived at that point because there was in no way anything homely about it, but it was so awful i thought it was way easier to run away; i lived anywhere and everywhere from the public toilets in the town to anyone who would let me have a floor to sleep on, i lived in a number of squats -for those that don’t know a squat is simply an abandoned house which a homeless person breaks into and lives there, it made a lot of sense to me- and  as some of you know i married really young, met him at 15 then 9 years zipped by

i remember quite clearly though as i got to 15 and met my first husband, i had a choice; i could live with the idea my parents were beyond evil and had majorly messed up not just my life, my body, but my brain as well because of the various experiences they had put me through i found it very difficult to think straight, it was hard to know how to communicate with people and i had severe trust issues, which i still have to this day, but i was 15 and going into my first marriage so i decided it would be a new start, from the age 15 i declared my life, my body, my mind, was exactly that; mine, and i would never ever let my parents near any of it again, my life was now mine to live and i would not let the past control any of it, i fought hard against the conditioning they had put in place and belive me that was very difficult but as soon as i found myself acting, speaking, or thinking in any way that was as a result of my parents i actively fought against it

now i am the first to admit this did in fact lead me to make some rash decisions, i found myself in some scary situations simply because i was trying to be the opposite of everything my previous life had thrown at me, but i was a quick learner and over the years i grew to recognise what was accepted behaviour and how to live in a more normal life situation, in the end of it all i am now proud of who i am as a person but more so i am happy with where i am in life and that what goes on my life is because i made the decision for it to be that way, there are still times when i catch myself even now at 48 doing or thinking something that is a direct result of my previous life though now instead of rebelling against i recognise it is there and try to find an alternative way of looking at it,

the simple fact is no matter what happens to you if it has stopped happening then go on to something else, do not let it control how you think, if you catch yourself thinking of it or you are in the pit of self-pity/despair/deep blue funk then drag yourself out of it forcefully, i find my worst time is at night because  usually during the day i am too busy; i make sure my mind is fully occupied then it doesn’t dwell on things, so at night if i find myself falling into that oh god how do i carry on after everything that has happened frame of mind then i have a little trick and i do this with the kids as well it helps them if they have had a nightmares so it goes like this;-

soon as the bad thoughts creep in say no, strongly forcefully no, i will not think about that, instead i have won the lottery and it is 8 million pounds now i have 8 million to spend let’s see ok a new house a horse for my oldest then we would need stables and then……………. usually i have managed to spend around a million before i am fast alseep

and that’s it you see control, let your wishes control your thinking not your past experiences, yes shit happens it has to me more times than i care to remember but in my head is the one place that no matter what it is mine my space to think and feel and do what i want so i will not let others in i will fight to keep them  out of there, now others may disagree and waffle on about counselling and other such crap i don’t believe in that i just think it makes things worse, i go with blotting it out because it’s gone i won’t let it happen again so move on, it can’t hurt me now because i won’t let it, it is in the past and i am not, i am here now and in a much better place, it has no power over me here because i will not let it have any

so next time your brain is annoying you, doesn’t matter if it’s having no money or having someone being evil towards you don’t let them in your head, keep that for you, and most certainly do not resent others just because they enjoy something you never have, it is a serious waste of your time energy and emotional stress to resent something which is not worth it,

i told my friend that even though it was difficult to see beyond what she had gone through she was to look at her in-laws with new eyes, stop seeing them as us and them, see them as people, just ordinary people who have had a life of good and bad stuff just the same as you and i, talk to them, listen to their life stories, nine times out of ten other people have also suffered but also survived horror stories of their own, don’t see them as those who have more than you, see them as they are; people,

and yes they are lucky to have a close family unit, so look at that family unit appreciate that here is one place of love in a world that sees precious few places of love, too many dysfunctional families inhabit this world, see the one family in front of you displaying love for each other as the one tiny flower struggling to shine among the weeds and help them nurture that,  there will have been probably more than one occasion where this family had experienced difficulties but let’s learn from how they overcame them and stayed strong as a family.

no family is perfect and there will always be some who suffer bad stuff i know i am one, but that doesn’t mean we have to spend the rest of our lives suffering, leave it behind, shut it away, do not feed it with your bitterness, blot it out and take a deep breath

remember you survived and for that you should feel proud, you survived and yes it leaves a scar but that scar is just one part of you, so do not dwell on that scar it’s there and it represents the fact that you survived so now look to gaining control over your thoughts and make yourself a promise that you will not let the poison have any more room in your head.

i know my friend will find it difficult, i know she may never get over what happened to her, i don’t think we ever do, we just have to get to a point where we accept it happened and it is in the past, but i would like to think that from now she gains the control to distance her life now from her life then and she can actually start to live her life free from the control of her past, little steps taken often, i will keep nudging her in the right direction,

if you know of someone who needs nudging then pop round with chocolate and bring a smile to their face, each smile counts, each smile means another win against the  crap  that used to be there in the place of that smile, try to help quieten their minds from the nagging of the past, and though it may be one small gesture on your part to the person you help these small gestures all help take the baby steps towards regaining the control in their life

love to all

xx