sorry i forgot to add a title

so lately its been difficult; my oldest daughter now 18 and my best friend lost her boyfriend to a heart attack, he was 19. We knew he had difficulties with his heart but you just never expect the worst to happen. It affected us all and my daughter has been so strong through it all i am so proud of her, then she came to me crying her heart out and saying she did not want to lose my love and how sorry she was, i shushed her and explained there were very few things in life that would come between us and how i would love her no matter how bad it got, so tell me quickly did it involve murder, drugs, or kidnapping? this made her smile through her tears and i waited for some kind of reaction that she may have suffered through our fourth bereavement in two years, (yup it’s been a difficult couple of years see next year i aint allowing no one i love to die right see now you all been told) it is after all very difficult at such a young age to lose your boyfriend, she once more looks at me sadly and says ‘promise you won’t lose respect for me?’ i promises and then she says …………….i am gay. well the biggest sigh of relief from me and a hug and telling her how silly she was to be so upset over telling me, i was expecting anything from being pregnant to axe murdering, being gay is a personal feeling and certainly not bad, and most certainly not something to be crying about, yes i would still love her, yes i would still respect her, i explained she hadn’t murdered anyone i was fine, really as long as it didnt involve drugs or the cops i was more or less going to be ok and i was glad she didnt bake some damn cake to tell me ^_^, now i can understand a little why she may have been worried about not telling the neighbours this is a small town and it has a small town mentality it is a very judgemental place. Not quite caught up with the times or even the theory of evolution, but i was already not one of these folk and never really bothered with them so i was never going to have a problem and so now we have a new person to love in the form of her girlfriend and she is adorable and sweet and i welcome her being part of our family.

not sure when i am going to get round to telling her dad though.

then last week we learned of our fifth bereavement, sigh, back in the day, about 24 years ago now, when hubby and i met, we have at the time a group of friends, i lived in a house that was basically that last of bedsit land. Bedsit land was an idea,  a way of living that grew up and came to strength in the 1980’s thanks to maggie thatcher, england had developed a sort of lost generation, it was my generation. We left school with no thought of a job because there wasn’t any. Unemployment was at all time high and where we live was always identified on any map, especially a map used in the news, as an unemployment black spot. So maggie had us all on social support benefits we were given a pittance to live on and one room to live in; the bedsitter.

I loved it and hated it all at the same time, being 15 at the time the first time round,  and having just met my first husband, i loved actually having somewhere to live (had already experienced the idea of homeless and didnt like it, will talk about that another time) but at the same time it was a bleak existence and no prospects. eventually i took my life in another direction and roughly 9 years of being married to the first husband found me having had enough and leaving the squat we were living in in london and coming back to this ‘black spot’ or home as i was forced to call it.

it is in fact rather a nice little seaside town and i moved into one of the last houses still to have bedsits therefore i had one room and was in the throws of leaving husband number one, and the house i had this bedsit in was nice, the others lving in the other rooms were all men, but i felt happy, safe, comfortable, slightly emotionally spent as the first husband was a nightmare, intelligent and liked to play mind games at best and psychologically torture me on his not so good days. he had also turned into a junkie by that point. i hated him and everything that went with him.

like i say though i was lucky, i settled in quickly in the bedsit house and found my feet and a little job, and then fell madly in love with my now husband. at the time of the falling in love bit there was three other couples who also got together; as three of the lads i lived with all found girlfriends and we were one big happy bunch of people, it was a summer of love ^_^. of all the couples only hubby and i are still together but last week one of the lads in our happy little bunch of friends died. of pneumonia. He was 47. The funeral was yesterday.

and so like i say recently it’s been difficult.

i have also learned recently that the blog world is nicer than the facebook world and i am becoming seriously disillusioned with the whole idea, i have already left facebook once under my family name because i couldn’t stand the dynamics, and it seems it isn’t that much different even when you join as an author.

don’t get me wrong i have met some lovely people but it is weird how facebook always seems so superficial. no depth to anything, and i am so deep  i have to remind myself to lighten up ^_^ but i do have a real difficulty with shallow people and lack of respect.

i was lucky when i came to the blogworld i found the most real genuine and wonderful friends, and i only went to facebook because of the golden rules of being an author, well i now say golden schmolden i aim to throw them rules away and although i will still keep a presence there i don’t believe it is as essential as they say to have facebook, twitter etc etc etc  i have left twitter like months ago, i could not stand the constant adverts there was no conversation just adverts! and facebook is well all a bit silly, it is a huge group of authors all trying to sell each other their books, authors selling to authors, daft really.

i will still write, because i love it and i shall do it for the love of it i don’t like advertising or self promotion so i shall probably be the poorest author you all know but heck i got used to being poor a long time ago, more or less since i was born ^_^

so there you go my lovlies i have learned life is precious and sweet and oh too short, you never know what is round the corner, my young friend got 19 years of it, my older friend got 47 years of it, i am lucky i  am still here and have more to come and i sure as heck am not going to waste it on facebook twitter or adverts!

enjoy life my friends good or bad it is life and we are lucky to have it.

oh by the way i am having another giveaway i told you i love doing them but this time you don’t even have to go over to my facebook page i have decided all you have to do is pop your name in a comment to this post saying i would like a free print copy of your book(in temero humus, on desecrated ground its a horror) thats right a real proper book not an ebook this one is only available as a print book anyways, and i will put all the names in hat along with the names from the facebook page and then first one picked out on 28th of this month wins the book and small gift. i have loved doing these giveaways its fun plus i love going to post office and sending my books all over the world, last giveaway was won by a lady in bulgaria! i had never sent anything to bulgaria before, so my lovely friends comment me and say you would like a book and you get a chance of winning and most importantly have a super day/evening/morning xx


8 responses

  1. Oh Kizzy, I am so sorry to hear of all this loss..and your disappointment with Facebook (though I for one am glad you’re back in the blogosphere). I know your daughter will be well, for she has the grandest mum in the world. And yes, each day is a gift and I hope that each one you unwrap from today forward brings only joy..xox

    1. huge hugs to you mims my most precious of friends seems i am always learning and yes i have learnt here is home i always called wordpress home and i love the feeling here and it feels so nice because of you and of course rhinda and my other wonderful friends glad to be home and always happy to hear from you my wonderful friend love you and thank you xx

  2. What a terrible time of loss. The best thing to ‘come out’ of it is that you’ve found your daughter! It is a small world, sometimes filled with people who know no better but she’s obviously growing in strength and will meet whatever arises a stronger person. Facebook is as facebook does and twitter a lot of hot air. Carry on blogging, you do it so well!

    1. ahh heck don’t know where my netbook went wrong but i did reply to this honest! it has dissappeared into the ether ^_^ thank you my friend for taking the time to come chat and for leaving me with such lovely comments i am lucky very lucky i have such fab friends, and yes i am so very proud of my daughter and all my children they a re fun and great company and all my very best friends as we speak my youngest is treating me to a fashion show which inevitably means i get to put the whole contents of her wardrobe back later when she has fallen asleep among the piles of clothes she is modelling for me ^_^ but again i am happy and lucky she is having such a fun pretending to be a model tidying up seems to me a small price to pay for the entertainment ^_^ i hope you have a lovely weekend xx

  3. Kizzy… I’m sorry to hear of your loss… don’t know what to say except that I truly admire your beautiful and open attitude towards your daughter… I applaud you… have sometimes wondered how I would react if my son said he was gay… I think it would surprise me at first but I’d be okay with it. I certainly wouldn’t get mad. After all, no matter what, they’re still your kids, right? 🙂

    1. hello my friend brilliant to hear from you! thank you for your lovely comment and yes i am lucky to have such wonderful children all of whom are my very best friends and i am so very lucky to have a close relationship with all of them and really i know the only reason my oldest felt nervous is because this small town is so very middle class english and therefore still quite rigid in their thinking and her dad my hubby and dad of all my kids is very much a caveman in that respect but i was never from here anyway and i had a completely different outlook, to me it is such a private personal thing i feel honoured she shared it with me i only wish she had felt more comfortable and i am glad she did and i am also glad for her to see the world carried on and nothing terrible happened i wanted her to see it could be something completely accepted as being part of life and not outlandish unfortunately for my daughter though when outside this home she has to face the rest of the world (and we still haven’t told her dad) but i tell her all she can do is head up walk tall be proud of who you are and then you come home and relax let all the worries go and just chill that is what home is for ^__^ ok my youngest is demanding to know which outfit is winning the fashion show so i will leave you now and hope for you a lovely weekend x

  4. Hi Kizzy,
    So sorry for this very rough patch you are going through. And I am so glad that your daughter is her mother’s child. One thing that struck me from my own personal experience is how very little difference it makes, except that they are happier after they come out and can be who they are. It is heartbreaking to think of all the people in the world who are scorned for being gay, especially when study after study shows that they have no control over their orientation.

    1. hiya lovely yup it has been difficult but not as horrid as the year before last when we suffered losing our little jess that was the worst year but onwards and upwards i am happy just enjoyed a lovely half term break from school the kids are well rested and none wanted to go back but we had to i am just about to dash off with the youngest so thank you my lovely friend for dropping by i always appreciate it xx

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