this is not a love song

its not a poem either

 

 

and if i remember

i don’t like to

remember that is

but i do

i hate to think of anything before

but i do

i try hard to wipe clean

all thats in my mind

telling myself

it all happened to someone else

yet why then do i remember?

like a scab that i pick at, not letting it heal

i wish i could smile

at times past

i wish i could feel a warm embrace

from half caught thoughts

your smile? your kindness?

there is not a trace

if i was to be asked

my answer would be

of course

i love you

but do you love me?

and behind the mask

behind the pain hardened eyes

behind the front

full of lies

how insubstantial a lie can be

no more substance than the truth often has

for one moment i am filled with love

then i remember the past

in which

lies the memory

of the punishment

you decided for me

three months of living hell

and all for what

because i dared to look

dared to think

dared to wonder

what it would be like with someone else

and then it deepened

past the months of hell

the punishment i took

and you never saw how i wept

but not the threat to my children

that i would never accept

and so came the night

the one night of all

that is seared on my memory

wind and rain scorch the one memory i keep

all came crashing down as i watched you sleep

then took the children and ran

into the early hours of the dawn

and no clothes,

no protection against the storm

dressed only in our nightwear

no food or money

nothing in this life

adrift

alone

with the pain

and fear

fear so strong it burned

and the universe caught me

in its arms

and i learned

that i am lucky

i live in the one place that has somewhere

for people like me

and people who care

and they gave me and my little ones

somewhere to

just

be

a refuge

a calm in the storm

given a roof over our heads

and to be warm

albeit only a short while

people who listen

try to teach you to smile

to have courage and confidence

and a voice in the silence

i learnt a lot

simple things but i grew

and above all else i knew

my children were safe

for only a short time

but enough to give me space

to think and realise

the system is there and the help is willing

but not for everyone

is its teachings correct

as i told them and told them

no

he never hit me

but

the punishment would have been easier if he had

it would have been more bearable if he had

they would have dealt with it

if he had

and so i was left no direction no aim

and one thing clouding my mind again and again

in all of this i had lost the greatest thing i had ever loved

i had lost my soul mate

my partner

my reason d’etre

my one and only safe place i had ever found in the world

had turned against me and i could not unfurl

nor rest nor think

nor be still

until

he was back from the maelstrom

he dumped us both in

i was lost and alone

and could not see a way through

no light at the end of this tunnel

it just grew

longer and lonelier and more hateful

they were kind

they gave me counselling

they were patient

they gave me advice,

and services and clothes and tried so hard to be, well, nice

and the list is long and for everything i was grateful

and yet this does not end here, no happy endings for me?

there are those who judge

and those who complain

i only know

i had to be back with you again

and against everyone else

and all common sense

i fought tooth and nail

to be back in your head

and you fought back, still resentful, a brick wall

but agreed, a second chance, you said

it was difficult

more than that

took years and one more little one

yet i look at you now

and i know

that more than anything

i am still in love with you

and i hope

that one day

you will love me too

i see you smile as i say this

and i smile as you

promise

that really you do

there you go not a love song, not a poem just a tiny glimpse into a marriage that survived showing the experts they were wrong and the friends they were wrong and still even now showing how if something is right it doesn’t matter how many wrongs float around it will survive

manchester rain flooding wet weather

written on behalf on a friend

be nice to each other people who knows whats round the corner

love to all xx

link for womens aid for women everywhere who need help or refuge advice or someone who will listen brilliant people a port in the storm

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CN-whO6zjLkCFbIPtAodYSIA8Q

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12 responses

  1. Lots to think about

    1. ^_^ thank you, i often like to give people something that changes their perceptions and even if it only gives one something to question or think about it it is still successful thank you for reading and for taking the time to talk i always appreciate hearing from people hope you have a lovely evening x

  2. I get it! And yes, family and friends gather and support, but in the end…if you know, you know. And you do what you have to. 🙂

    1. thank you my lovely it means a lot to me that you understand, life is never black and white and i know many will not understand or even accept grey areas, my wonderful friend thank you, its wonderful to know i have you and that in all the world one person understands and doesn’t judge, hugs and love my darling rhinda hope your life reaches the momentum you need, and in all the crap life throws at us you will always have me as a friend and confidant, love you xx

      1. will never judge ~♥~am equally grateful knowing you are there~♥~and love you too~♥~

  3. Just wanted to say I am truly sorry I messed up your comment on ec-cen-tric’s site today. All I can say is it must be the medication, I have not been myself today. Please forgive me, I will be more careful in the future. At least I did have a chance to see your poem and review your nice site You are a great writer and I wish you well.

    1. forgiven forgotten both eccentric and yourself i value greatly and it’s brilliant to hear from you and i am glad we can all keep lines of communication open sometimes life takes us in different directions and it can be easy to lose sight of online friends i am happy to know that all my online friends know that even when i am distracted by life -which always gets in the way of one enjoying ones self- but i still hold each and everyone of my friends in my heart and care about them, thank you for your kind words i value your opinion and i hope you are having a lovely day take care my friend xx

    1. yes love it that shall be its name ^_^ to be honest the title as such is one of my fave PIL tunes and it was in my head and it fitted somehow i figure you may be the only other wordpresser that i know who may get the reference maybe not but you are only slightly older than me ^_^ anyways excellent comment thank you and have a great evening ^_^ x

      1. i used to worship the pistols – it never got better in my mind (excluding the clash, who transcended genre) pil were cool but look at rotten now, he does fucking butter commercials ffs! all our heroes crumble – we are our only true heroes

  4. WordsFallFromMyEyes | Reply

    Wow Kizzylee, I really do like how you write, express. This is just excellent. I really feel you.

    This is not a love song, perfectly titled.

    I like what Kyle wrote – we are our only true heroes.

    1. thank you my lovely friend i really appreciate your lovely comment this was very much a work from the heart and i did worry how it would be received it’s when writing pieces like this that i feel bravest laying my soul open to all who read and when i receive a comment especially from a friend like yourself whose opinion i value greatly then i feel all the more happy thank you and hugs xx

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