its not a poem either
and if i remember
i don’t like to
remember that is
but i do
i hate to think of anything before
but i do
i try hard to wipe clean
all thats in my mind
telling myself
it all happened to someone else
yet why then do i remember?
like a scab that i pick at, not letting it heal
i wish i could smile
at times past
i wish i could feel a warm embrace
from half caught thoughts
your smile? your kindness?
there is not a trace
if i was to be asked
my answer would be
of course
i love you
but do you love me?
and behind the mask
behind the pain hardened eyes
behind the front
full of lies
how insubstantial a lie can be
no more substance than the truth often has
for one moment i am filled with love
then i remember the past
in which
lies the memory
of the punishment
you decided for me
three months of living hell
and all for what
because i dared to look
dared to think
dared to wonder
what it would be like with someone else
and then it deepened
past the months of hell
the punishment i took
and you never saw how i wept
but not the threat to my children
that i would never accept
and so came the night
the one night of all
that is seared on my memory
wind and rain scorch the one memory i keep
all came crashing down as i watched you sleep
then took the children and ran
into the early hours of the dawn
and no clothes,
no protection against the storm
dressed only in our nightwear
no food or money
nothing in this life
adrift
alone
with the pain
and fear
fear so strong it burned
and the universe caught me
in its arms
and i learned
that i am lucky
i live in the one place that has somewhere
for people like me
and people who care
and they gave me and my little ones
somewhere to
just
be
a refuge
a calm in the storm
given a roof over our heads
and to be warm
albeit only a short while
people who listen
try to teach you to smile
to have courage and confidence
and a voice in the silence
i learnt a lot
simple things but i grew
and above all else i knew
my children were safe
for only a short time
but enough to give me space
to think and realise
the system is there and the help is willing
but not for everyone
is its teachings correct
as i told them and told them
no
he never hit me
but
the punishment would have been easier if he had
it would have been more bearable if he had
they would have dealt with it
if he had
and so i was left no direction no aim
and one thing clouding my mind again and again
in all of this i had lost the greatest thing i had ever loved
i had lost my soul mate
my partner
my reason d’etre
my one and only safe place i had ever found in the world
had turned against me and i could not unfurl
nor rest nor think
nor be still
until
he was back from the maelstrom
he dumped us both in
i was lost and alone
and could not see a way through
no light at the end of this tunnel
it just grew
longer and lonelier and more hateful
they were kind
they gave me counselling
they were patient
they gave me advice,
and services and clothes and tried so hard to be, well, nice
and the list is long and for everything i was grateful
and yet this does not end here, no happy endings for me?
there are those who judge
and those who complain
i only know
i had to be back with you again
and against everyone else
and all common sense
i fought tooth and nail
to be back in your head
and you fought back, still resentful, a brick wall
but agreed, a second chance, you said
it was difficult
more than that
took years and one more little one
yet i look at you now
and i know
that more than anything
i am still in love with you
and i hope
that one day
you will love me too
i see you smile as i say this
and i smile as you
promise
that really you do
there you go not a love song, not a poem just a tiny glimpse into a marriage that survived showing the experts they were wrong and the friends they were wrong and still even now showing how if something is right it doesn’t matter how many wrongs float around it will survive
written on behalf on a friend
be nice to each other people who knows whats round the corner
love to all xx
link for womens aid for women everywhere who need help or refuge advice or someone who will listen brilliant people a port in the storm
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=CN-whO6zjLkCFbIPtAodYSIA8Q
Lots to think about
^_^ thank you, i often like to give people something that changes their perceptions and even if it only gives one something to question or think about it it is still successful thank you for reading and for taking the time to talk i always appreciate hearing from people hope you have a lovely evening x
I get it! And yes, family and friends gather and support, but in the end…if you know, you know. And you do what you have to. 🙂
thank you my lovely it means a lot to me that you understand, life is never black and white and i know many will not understand or even accept grey areas, my wonderful friend thank you, its wonderful to know i have you and that in all the world one person understands and doesn’t judge, hugs and love my darling rhinda hope your life reaches the momentum you need, and in all the crap life throws at us you will always have me as a friend and confidant, love you xx
will never judge ~♥~am equally grateful knowing you are there~♥~and love you too~♥~
Just wanted to say I am truly sorry I messed up your comment on ec-cen-tric’s site today. All I can say is it must be the medication, I have not been myself today. Please forgive me, I will be more careful in the future. At least I did have a chance to see your poem and review your nice site You are a great writer and I wish you well.
forgiven forgotten both eccentric and yourself i value greatly and it’s brilliant to hear from you and i am glad we can all keep lines of communication open sometimes life takes us in different directions and it can be easy to lose sight of online friends i am happy to know that all my online friends know that even when i am distracted by life -which always gets in the way of one enjoying ones self- but i still hold each and everyone of my friends in my heart and care about them, thank you for your kind words i value your opinion and i hope you are having a lovely day take care my friend xx
its a noem
yes love it that shall be its name ^_^ to be honest the title as such is one of my fave PIL tunes and it was in my head and it fitted somehow i figure you may be the only other wordpresser that i know who may get the reference maybe not but you are only slightly older than me ^_^ anyways excellent comment thank you and have a great evening ^_^ x
i used to worship the pistols – it never got better in my mind (excluding the clash, who transcended genre) pil were cool but look at rotten now, he does fucking butter commercials ffs! all our heroes crumble – we are our only true heroes
Wow Kizzylee, I really do like how you write, express. This is just excellent. I really feel you.
This is not a love song, perfectly titled.
I like what Kyle wrote – we are our only true heroes.
thank you my lovely friend i really appreciate your lovely comment this was very much a work from the heart and i did worry how it would be received it’s when writing pieces like this that i feel bravest laying my soul open to all who read and when i receive a comment especially from a friend like yourself whose opinion i value greatly then i feel all the more happy thank you and hugs xx