with thanks to my friend trentle(win) who i shall always think of as trentle (that’s the first bit i see when i go read his blog so trentle it is) trentle recently wrote this rather good and intresting blog post:
it amazes me that we still get heated debates on such a thing as what gender is, what is specifies beyond the idea of what genitalia it possesses (how many s’ in word ? sheesh) yet I think back over my own life and I know the very concept of what it takes to be a ‘man’ quite literally shaped my life influenced my decisions, major decisions to the point of affecting the rest of my life and it still does. The debate seems to rest on what is the concept of a man what makes up the expected ideals of a man, and a modern man as opposed to the caveman of old, now it may surprise some of you to hear me say that I find the so called modern man scary – my apologies trentle my wonderful friend I appreciate your friendship and it is important so please believe me when I say present company excepted trentle my friend, I see you as exactly that; my respected and appreciated friend and believe me it takes a lot for me to say that- I suffer ‘man’ issues it’s a lot like trust issues but specifically man related.
In actual life I have married caveman and that was what I wanted you see I was already married to a ‘modern’ man at the time. Yeah you’re right it does sound complicated and it kind of was a little at the time, suffice it to say the first marriage had kind of imploded already and was in it’s death throes as I met the caveman and that as I have mentioned in the past was love at first sight- I kid you not I was not looking for any kind of relationship I was still married remember but there I was sat talking to my friend and in walks this man and well
all my clothes fell off I fell madly in love lucky for me he fell for me too and here we are 26 years later with four children two dogs and a mortgage, but that’s not the point the point is-
I prefer cavemen.
let me explain a little and I warn you this may get a little raw in places I will share some of the more unsavoury parts of my past with you to show how gender specifics still affect me
there was a time when I was young- yup happens to the best of us- I was young and for the most part enjoying it I wasn’t exactly happy as such but there were a lot of reasons for that which we really don’t need to go into. At the time of around 15 yrs I met and moved in with my first husband, sounds odd to say now but life was different for me than most, a quick run down of my background goes like this;- only one parent at the time and that was my mum who was a gypsy, a romany gypsy, and basically never got the hang of the whole parenting thing, she totally failed at parenting, she didn’t travel was not the travelling kind she had married my ‘apparent’ father who was a middle class freemason it didn’t work out -who would have guessed ?- so 15 finds me, after having run away on more than one occasion meeting and moving in with my first husband, he was the ‘modern’ man all that ‘in touch with his feelings’ and other such crap he spun me, you see the guy was intelligent, very intelligent, it was part of the reason I found him attractive, I have this strange thing about men I rarely go for looks if they are there then woo bargain but mostly I fall for intelligence and creativity believe me I had a real thing for physicists and mathematicians I was born a geek okay^_^ so this man was all ‘writing poetry’ and ‘deep thinking’ he taught me about politics and philosophy- oh we had some interesting heated debates, problem is he knew he was intelligent and used to like playing mind games, a lot, it took me a long time to realise how he controlled me and used mind games against me all the time, he was also quite a regular user of many different types of recreational drugs me being naive and green to the point of sadness went out to work and provided a home and money and well everything for this guy who basically was abusive emotionally, mentally, physically, over the years I got more and more disillusioned with the guy, his idea of a ‘modern’ relationship seem to involve me working my socks off day in day out while he sat around off his head and not to mention the whole idea of him being allowed to entertain other women which if I disagreed with apparently meant I was still in the dark ages, it was all kind of gaining momentum the whole thing was heading for some kind of major blowout but the crux of it all came at the point we had gone to live in holland in amsterdam as usual I was working really hard I was only a chambermaid but it was in a huge hotel which was always very busy and there was a lot of hard work, we had just lost the tiny place we had to live in and were technically homeless and a Moroccan man we barely knew had said we could stay in his caravan. We had been there only about an hour and well this is where it all gets a bit awful folks so for those who don’t want to know look away now, basically this horrid greasy little man gave me a drink which he had laced with some drug which i am not sure but i think it was heroin, I began vomiting profusely and couldn’t stand up, after vomiting everywhere I fell on the bed, collapsed in a heap and unable to move, the guy and my then husband were talking but I was so ill I took no notice until the guy jumps on me and tries to rape me, I screamed, cried, I think I even bit him I don’t know but I managed to fight my way free and this is the worst bit is that the husband had just stood there watching, he had known and given it his whole agreement and was enjoying it. So marriage imploded at that point I would love to be able to say I came home to England and all was better but no life is never that easy and it took a while longer before meeting my present husband and being free of the odious first husband, but it was all this that basically lead to my whole paranoia about modern men or men who label themselves as ‘modern’ because that was first husbands favorite excuse the whole time he was a modern man I was old fashioned I didn’t move with the times, he would insult me with this more times than I can remember and I was young enough and controlled enough I not only accepted it all but I believed him and thought I was in the wrong it was only after the incident with the morrocan that I began to question everything, I wasn’t strong enough to leave straight away but I began to hate him and everything he stood for and most of all the idea of a modern man.
present hubby has always been and always will be a caveman, he is who he is and no excuses and I love him for it I love his old fashioned sense of values and I love the fact I feel safe with him, I know what to expect and I know he would never ever just stand there and let some greasy horrid morrocan drug me and rape me present hubby is tall, strong, handsome and would knock the greasy man sky high for even daring to suggest anything of the sort and I feel safe,
now don’t get me wrong I appreciate there are many men out there who would describe themselves as modern and not stand for the treatment I put up with for 9 years -yup folks 9 years I stayed with first husband for I am quite dedicated when it comes to relationships – I know they are probably decent folk who are nice and respect their partners but I was talking from a personal viewpoint and personally I will always walk away rather quickly should I ever be in such a position as to have to put up with a modern man again,
now this all brings me down to, well, okay so for me this is what modern man means and what caveman means and it is obviously quite different to what others perceive and I suppose here is my point –
we all live now in a world that has not only seen many, many changes in a rapid succession, but there are many more changes to come, we live in a world where technology has advanced quicker than humans can and probably quicker than most of us can keep up with, one small, but I find mind blowing, fact is we can now print out a living working human organ, yup 3 d printing is set to overtake the world as we know it and that is one small point of just how much has changed just from when I was young and I am only 48, so my point is I don’t believe in genders any more I believe gender has become a minor detail, the world we live in has become such a maelstrom of change in everything from technology to gender, transgender, gay, straight, anything and everything changes and is set to change and change again quicker than we can document so I put forward the simple point of-
what we need to concern ourselves with is not man, woman, transgender, what we need to concern ourselves with is only this BEING HUMAN we need to just concentrate on being the best human being we can, to be kind and respectful to other humans and to re- define and bring forward the new concept of being human, a person of light and being, of existence, of kindness, of respect, and to be mindful of what it means to be simply that- a human not of any specific gender, just a human, a person, and the best we can be
with fullest respect to trentle and all my friends those I have already and those I have yet to meet
we are people one and all
power to all the people ^_^
love to all