silence

as the car takes us slowly

over the hills to home

can we play games tonight eat sweets? the kids ask eagerly

NO

the command for quiet

the denial of the promised fun

No

tonight you are having an early night

for mummy and me are going to talk

aren’t we mummy

and silence builds a wall around me

 

the journey home now sullen and silent

a hidden tear trickles down with no comment

yes

a long talk that’s what we need

isn’t it mummy

and the silence builds a wall around me

 

the fear hidden

the talk one sided

the guilt delivered

the punishment dreaded

the threat now recognised

what was once love is now despised

constantly punished

with no respite

poisonous words spat as I am derided

and what do you say to me now, mummy

and the silence builds a wall around me

 

no need to heed the panic within me the pain i feel is sheer

escape is of the utmost importance

take the kids run away from here

sssshhhh wait now listen to the silence

his sleep is deep and around him we creep

our footsteps tip toe soft in fear

out into the unknown the dark of early morning clear

 

don’t dare to breathe, don’t risk looking back

not even dressed, no money, no home  we have nothing

don’t mind our nightwear tis nought but courage we lack

brace the cold of the dark morning air,

hear the first of the morning birds sing

don’t listen to the drunks as they jeer

for what is it to them to see

a mother with her children flee

 

and so a warm place, a friendly face, a freedom space

given enough to start again

but what if love takes us back again?

what happens then?

‘hey’ a friend not forgotten ‘your back I will call round visit you’

and though time had healed and courage had failed

and dreams had been run through

dreams of the past had been dashed and the icy flow

of fear long ago

floods back as they say

I dont think I like that she is not a good influence

after all you have behaved so well

not a foot out of line, don’t make me regret giving you a second chance

 

so life carries on, stepford wives living stepford lives

children growing fast happy at last

no one calls round, keep my feet on the ground

cook, clean, don’t think don’t dream

and sail on serenely

and the silence builds a wall around me

 

 

 

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13 responses

  1. no my lovely…if this is the here and now and you are feeling this (beautiful though it may be) hear this…you have the strength and the courage of many, the heart of a lioness, the love of your children, the love and respect of your friends, real and virtual, but virtual on because of distance…you are not alone, please believe, you are not alone. if you must get away to feel free, you have places you have built in your incredible mind…if you truly want to be free…you have places that will welcome you with open hearts and open arms…don’t ever feel trapped by fear or by circumstance. you’ve done it before, you can do it again. if you need a friend…you have one. xo

    1. my daring rhinda how much i love you my brilliant friend thank you, please don’t worry i am fine this was…….looking back?, everything now is good, but once in a while the cracks show but never stay and i know my life was meant to be this way, i have my kids and god bless they are strong healthy happy, sometimes we all look back and wonder did i do the right thing and i am confident that i did, just sometimes i want a life that didn’t thrust such choices on me, i know my friend that of everyone i know real,virtual its all the same to me i know from everyone i have ever known that you understand, you know where i am coming from and for that i thank you and will be forever grateful that i can call you my friend don’t get me wrong i know i am lucky enough to have many wonderful people who care but you understand as well as care and that is all i need right now, just knowing you understand, thank you and love you always my much loved rhinda xx

      1. you are more than welcome…and I mean that…literally. I know those looking back days, hours, moments…and maybe you’re right, we have to do it to know how far we’ve come…just be sure you do…always…remember I am here, we are here, and always will be. so much love returned. xoxo

    2. SB, between you and Kizzy, you have sent me on an emotional airplane flight this week. I sometimes forget the power of words. You guys have certainly reminded me.

      1. That’s one lesson we never want to forget NB…the power of words. Both for the good and the bad. It has been a pretty intense week, I’ll agree with you there…but your comment is also a reminder…to me, as it should be to others…we need to celebrate the victories as passionately and as often, as we lament or showcase the struggles. And I believe we can all say, there are more victories than defeats, yes?

  2. Ah Kizzy, listen to your beloved Rhonda, for she is spot on. I felt that there was too much pain behind these words not to believe that you have felt or are feeling them…You are not alone, you are loved beyond words and you are worthy beyond measure. Never ever doubt that..xo

    1. if ever i needed a sign to stay strong then i need look no further for i should have known my first two caring heartfelt comments rhinda then you my two best friends in all the world thank you, knowing and hearing your words from both of you i do believe you are sent to show me life is good and i just need to step back up to the mark, i just sometimes have a down time you know, that’s all this was- i know what triggered it, meeting an old friend last week, but i made a choice and i made it knowing full well the consequences so i am lucky because even given these consequences i have found both you and rhinda and to hear from you both makes me stronger again, and makes me realise how lucky i am; i have my beautiful children and my beautiful friends thank you my lovely mims thank you for being my friend for being you and showing me i have a lot to be thankful for, hugs and love to you always my much loved mims xx

  3. Devastation, Kizzy. I’m not going to talk about how brilliantly put together this is, because I think the content and the emotions are higher than the structure. I felt cold, and sad, and like I wanted to rage against something, against families that break apart and where the only answer ends up being silence. I felt so much hurt in this. Too much. My best wishes from afar, for the soul that has seen these things and then found a way to write about them like this.

    1. hiya trentle thank you for your kind words but don’t worry my life has always been the rich fodder of psychoanalysts delight but heck i am a survivor if you read the ‘stuff about me’ sections then you see i am good at surviving ^_^ sometimes the world weighs heavy as it did yesterday when I wrote this, sometimes looking at the past is difficult but writing was an exercise in accepting and that i am good at that, but today i am buoyant ^_^ good word that and my word for the day is buoyant – i insist you join me in buoyancy ^_^ thank you for dropping by my friend trentle always good to hear your voice i hope you and your lovely family are having a nice day and are all looking forward to a lovely weekend be well ^_^

      1. To you and yours also, Kizzy – be well, be at ease, and my greatest respect. I will be buoyant. I hope you will be too.

  4. Might I say this is raw, devastating and empowering. Life is tough and the tough make the most of it. Choices may not be easy but we do the best that we can. Congratulations, Lizzy. You are an awesome human being.

    1. hiya me lovely friend how good it is to hear your voice again i have missed you, i hope you have enjoyed your travels I shall pop over for a read ^_^ thank you for your lovely words, your kindness and friendship i very much appreciate and your compliment i shall accept with grace and humility, to know you understand the complications life throws at us helps and i did worry in writing this i had let too much out; i wasn’t sure if people would understand, so to see understanding and acceptance means a lot to me thank you and i hope you have a nice restful weekend take care my friend love and hugs xx

      1. Good on you for writing this. I no longer worry about ‘people’. You’ll never please everybody all the time anyway. Please yourself instead. 🙂

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