back again

so sorry my wonderful friends i have been so poorly the last attack was the worst i have had and i am still wiped out from it but slowly getting to a point where i am at least able to focus and so hi everyone hope everyone has been enjoying good times and i shall share with you now some beautiful women dancing and looking gorgeous from 1973 ^_^

for those who are interested i did manage to start college but have been so ill i didn’t manage to attend these last two weeks hopefully the tutors have been compassionate enough to let me carry on with the course i can only cross my fingers at this point and hope i haven’t missed too much. The course has been quite enlightening for the time i have managed to attend and has how can i put this erm it sort of blew me away at first and it soon became quite clear that it was not going to be what i had expected, for those of you new to my blog hi and welcome and the course i am trying to do is counselling with a view to specializing in counselling for the bereaved, so first of all i had the wrong idea of what would be expected of me i had gone in with all these lovely thoughts of how i would help people who were undergoing the very difficult experience of grief and though i knew it would be difficult and i knew i would suffer because i do tend to be ‘soft’ as my husband puts it. i thought my main problems would be learning how not to take my ‘work’ home with me or how to toughen up and not cry  etc but nooooo turns out that’s nothing that’s expected and its small fry compared to what actually happens. So within the first week i stumble out of college thinking what the hell have i taken on, not worried about the academic side although it is daunting, not worried about me being too soft although it is a fact, nope and nope again the biggest head blown massive anxiety attack inducing problem? i shall tell you dear friend – i have to undergo mandatory counselling myself.

Did you read that? did it actually worry you? if the answer is no then great you either had a wonderful life and never had any awful experiences which is fantastic or you had experiences and have coped well and have carried on well adjusted and able to cope well with life, or

if you read it and felt immediate shock and indeed horror then you are like me and panicked, you see i automatically panic because there are so many damn experiences in my life i wouldn’t know where to start,.*sigh* my life is basically a psychotherapists dream; enough work to keep them employed for life plus a few damn good books and a major film deal and that’s all before i achieved adult hood, from there it simply became more repetitive.

That first week i had to seriously sit down and have a major think about it all and so in the end after much sleep lost and too much head space being taken up with the thinking and the resulting nightmares that obligingly happen each time i am forced to remember any of it i finally decided i would see this course through; it is only 24 weeks long and between the end of this one and when the next one starts i would sit and have another think about how i carry on or if i carry on.

Now dear friend do not get me wrong i can see where they are coming from, it is plainly obvious that if i am to help others and the way to help them is to help them find a way of them helping themselves ,if you follow me, then part of that is the idea that they would talk to me and open up to me and through this the way forward would be found, see the key issue there is they would open up to me. Now how can i expect them to open up to me if i am not only still refusing to deal with my own demons but i will not open up to anyone else about me having demons in the first place.

All those lovely ideas of me listening to people and being there for them have vanished and are replaced with the idea i now have to open up to a group of people i do not know and tell them stuff i won’t even talk to my best friend about.

There have been various times in my life where i either was suddenly forced into having a therapist/counsellor or ‘advised’ to have one and each time i stubbornly rebelled, refused and well walked out and that was the end of that. I always thought it just made the problem worse i never saw how talking about something did any good, even those others i saw of my friends going to counselling always seemed much worse when they came out of it and just made me absolutely sure it was the devils work.

There was just one time, the very last time and it wasn’t even for myself really though i was offered it, but a couple of years ago (for those who wish to ready more about i have written as much as i could about the experience in the getting to know me sections of this blog) after going through a most horrendous bereavement as a family my second daughter was given grief counselling and the lady who became our counsellor was amazing, a brilliant lady who helped me to see that not all counsellors were the spawn of the devil and some in fact were quite nice ^_^ so that was me inspired and wanting to be a grief counsellor. Fast forward to today and i am dreading going to college this week but i will force myself and gritting my teeth and biting my tongue i shall hopefully emerge unscathed and well enough to write another blog post until then i shall leave you now while i go find a picture to share with you all

love and peace to all

k

x

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12 responses

  1. Hi and welcome back! Glad you are feeling better and able to attend your classes again! I missed seeing your posts, and also the weird pictures you were showing us. Hope the family is well, and you continue to pursue your goal of counselling. 🙂

    1. hiya and thank you for such a lovely message! i am trying to keep up the college study fingers crossed they let me stay on the course but i did explain to them when i started about how ill i was and it wasn’t going to go away ever so let’s hope they stick with me on this one ^_^ the family is super i am still enormously proud of all my kids and still constantly amazed by my wonderful children although we have been sad lately we lost our gorgeous greyhound blue the other day so i have been nursing the children through that she was 18 though and had been with us nearly 11 years (she was a rescue ) so she had a great life and reached a great age we all thought she was going to be immortal! i shall post a picture soon again a very big thank you my friend always hope you and yours and enjoying good times, love and peace be with you xx

  2. You have been missed and I’m sorry it has been so rough. Perhaps this is the turning point for the good, especially if you can see your course through. Losing a treasured pet is very traumatic. Our Mui Chu lived to be 16. All these things take their toll. Good luck with the course.

    1. hiya andrew lovely to hear from you i have to say it is nice coming back to such lovely comments and you are all now feeling like family -my virtual family the best family because it is the family i choose ^_^ thank you i appreciate your friendship and support and your empathy,especially in regards to my losing blue my adorable greyhound.
      my darling greyhound blue has now been cremated and on monday we -all the kids and myself- will be holding her burial, she will be buried in our garden next to my beloved baby frodo the tiny chihuahua, i have said to the children we can never move because i couldn’t leave my wee babies that garden is so precious to us now, i do hope my friend you and yours are enjoying good times thank you again for your message love and peace be with you x

  3. Oh my dear, I am ever hopeful that you are going to get stronger each day and be able to continue your coursework (and the counseling too – believe me, as a therapist and as a patient – there is something to be said for making sure that your ducks are in a row before helping others at such a traumatic time in their lives)… How come you’re Siouxie Sure on FB? Do you know how long it took me to figure out it was you?? Until Yesterday!! 😉 I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. Anyway, sending you abundant wishes for healing and strength today and everyday..xox

    1. aahh mims my darling friend a huge hug to you i have to use that name because i have too much of my family? i use the question mark as bthe whole concept of family becomes rather convoluted where mine are concerned! but yes if they knew it was me my god they would be messaging and aarrgghh to much for me to even think about lol i used to under my own name have facebook but what with my strange relatives his odd relatives and worse this is a very small town where half the time people daren’t even ask for a surname in case they are all related lol it was just too much for me i gave up but i like to have one page on there to keep in touch with my daughters and play games its a relaxation thing i used to have an author one but oh my the world of authors was more cut-throat and nasty back stabbing cliquey than my family and hometown so i left that one as well ^_^ you are one of the only people on there i talk to apart from my daughter i don’t even have my best friend (real life) on there anyways my lovely thank you for your continuing warmth and friendship you know it means a lot to me love and hugs always xx

  4. Nice to see you back but please do not overdo. Sounds you have lots on your plate right now trying to drag yourself to classes and deal with all that the course needs of you. Take you time and take care or yourself. We will still be here. ❤ ❤

    1. thank you my lovely i do love to hear your friendly sweet voice or should that be words ^_^
      i am so lucky that i like my own company or i would go stir crazy stuck in this bed all the time ! part of me is thinking though that the decision to take these classes was somehow ordained by some higher power, i never did decide if i believed in fate or not, but it does seem that somehow life conspires to make me go through what i need to experience no matter how painful, i have after all rebelled for so many years against my having therapy yet now here i have somehow landed feet first into having to do it and no sulking allowed^_^ so i guess i best just get on with it! although the phrase pulling teeth does spring to mind ^_^ thank you my dear dear friend and virtual sister for still being here for me i do appreciate it and i do think i will need the support of all my wonderful friends over the coming months if i have to go through this therapy! love and hugs to you xx

      1. Some thing take a long time to come out right. Maybe this is how it was to happen for you. 😀 ❤ ❤

  5. First, it is so good to see you writing again, even if it’s difficult knowing you’ve been having such a hard time of it. I do hope you’re on the way to feeling better for longer dear Kizzy.
    Second…I agree with the things that have already been said here…perhaps it IS a turning point for you personally, and there are innumerable precedents for therapists and counselors actively participating in their own therapy, and I know you get that, or will get it when the initial shock of hearing it’s required wears off. Your natural empathy for those that are suffering through grief is a great foundation for going into this field, but in order to help them, you’ll have to be able to handle anything that could potentially trigger or awaken the demons of your own. I have complete faith that you will do whatever is necessary…you are NO slouch when it comes to digging in and doing the hard stuff, but more important, you’ll do what’s best for you. That’s all anyone could hope for…there is no right or wrong here…only what’s best for you.
    I am so sorry to hear about your gorgeous Blue…but happy you and your beautiful kids had so much time with her.
    Keep taking care of yourself, one step at a time. Healing thoughts and loving hugs coming your way. Much love always…R

    1. my beautiful amazing rhinda you made me cry but its happy tears honest! excellent to hear from you you know your are in my heart and i have missed your voice, and i swear you know me better than i know myself! as always you get it absolutely right and i yes i have given myself a damn good talking to and have come up fighting and more than ready to face whatever trials that come with this, i can only say bring it on and don’t hold back, i know i am ready for this now,
      my darling rhinda how i wish sometimes i could just jump in a car and visit you, perhaps share a glass of wine though i hate wine but i am sure we would work something out ^_^ how glad i am i have you and how glad i am to hear you, sometimes life just hits me in the face but to come here and hear you gives me strength to turn the other cheek, hugs and love to you always my darling wonderful rhinda xx

      1. Oh that there were roads across the ocean. I would love nothing more than to pop in, or have you pop in, for a glass of whatevermakesusgiggle! I have the same feelings…so happy we are in each other’s lives. You have more strength in you than 10 of the strongest people I know. A survivor’s strength, a Mother’s strength…a strength born of love, not hate or bitterness…love. Can’t beat it, and can’t beat you! I’ll always be here and always be your biggest fan…xoxo

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