some stuff about me2

okay first I do hope that not one of you out there gets in any way offended of anything i say when waffling on because that’s all this is waffling on or some rather well-educated folk say stream of consciousnesneses or something I don’t know I just writes and then stop when one of the kids says feed me- it’s a bit like little shop of horrors except they got a groovy plant thing out of it all I got was more of the FEEEDMEEE

see how cool is this plant and yet it knows the very same words my kids know it's like it taught my kids to speak or something there's me spending all their formative years showing them great art in art galleries and great books in libraries and great music on one of them old fashioned tape deck things and what do they say? feeeeed meeeee

see how cool is this plant and yet it knows the very same words my kids know it’s like it taught my kids to speak or something there’s me spending all their formative years showing them great art in art galleries and great books in libraries and great music on one of them old fashioned tape deck things and what do they say? feeeeed meeeee

I sometimes wonder if the only way we know they have grown up is because they are saying feed me to someone else like some poor prospective partner, oh I have brought them up so well, wipes a tear from her eye, anyways no offense ever intended just  shout at me if ya don’t like any of it and um well I am english you know and I have a strange dark sense of humour, and well ermmm did I mention  I am english? and from the north you know! and that is enough to scare the pants of most people from dahn sarff I believe that would normally translate to ‘down south’ she says in perfect english

ok so where was I? oh yes grinning happily at my boobies ^_^ which if you had read any of part one you will know me boobies only decided to grow when I had children and of course having children is a life changer, or so it should be don’t come whining at me if you thought you could have kids and carry on with your partying, vodka swilling, throwing up on any pavement(I think Americans call them sidewalks or something I don’t know I still haven’t figured out why they don’t understand why we all giggle when they say fanny pack see even I had to giggle then) you could find at three in the morning–  oh sorry thought I was with someone else there for a moment you see to me my kids are the best thing ever happened to me and I adore them and I am glad they changed my life beyond all recognition, and my body, also beyond all recognition, and it’s great, no really it is, some times though there are parts of parenting that you just have to accept and no it’s not the teenage stuff I could write the book on teenage stuff so my poor kids had the very worst time trying to rebel aint never gonna happen when you got a mam who has been there, seen that, and designed and sold the damn Tshirt, no, no, no, see I am on about the sitting through a whole universe of disney channel, yup it’s bad and believe me until you have a wee baby girl or two you simply have no idea of just how soul-destroying disney channel is,

seriously

ooh goody it's the hey messie show where they round up a bunch of kids from different cultures and backgrounds and make them all suffer the same awful jokes

ooh goody it’s the hey messie show where they round up a bunch of kids from different cultures and backgrounds and make them all suffer the same awful jokes

 

I am talking about your brain melting and dripping out of your ears sniffling all the way about culture, the classics, great literature, and as you sadly watch your poor addled brain creep away along the carpet you have no idea of how to stop it, because you have been turned completely and utterly vacuous by repeated showings of wizards of crappy place, where even wizard magic can become a bad, bad, awful joke, I never even liked harry potter there is no way I can stay in the same room as wizards of crappy place or the suite life of some  twins that for some reason social services let run around some huge ship that only ever has like four rooms, no matter how big they show it on the title sequence in the show there is only four rooms, floating aimlessly in some ocean somewhere apparently owned by  a rich girls dad, you will stare vacantly as some amazingly plain-pretty yup it’s a new thing disney somehow makes all young girls look the same never really pretty, never really plain, it gives to all those young girls watching an idealistic aim so they can get into the real problems facing pre – teens today, oh don’t worry it has nothing to do with being part of any real world no it is a world peopled with pretty-plain geeks who don’t mix with the pretty- plain beauty queens or the pretty-plain band  which is so indie all ripped jeans and oooh messy hair with a pink streak oh my soooo indie and apparently no one gets indie bands but surely when an indie band is on disney then it has become mainstream? anyways pretty -plain weirdos who didn’t fit in with anyone oh no wait that’s me, okay you get my drift, both the girls and the boys all living in plastic worlds being pretty -plain and worse they try to mix humour in there, oh my god oh no hang on I have to say ooohh mmmmm gggggeeee! I think it’s probably expected for me to have a number of exclamation marks on the end of that last remark because everyone knows it means more, in fact the more exclamation marks there are the more important/funny/ damn can’t think of another one but there you go you get the picture or at least you would if you had had to suffer the years of disney I have had to suffer,

and because I have had three girls I have lived through a world which has included the whole of some sickly sweet teenagers who insist in singing and dancing because hey everyone in high school sings like every five minutes don’t they? dunno I come from england ya see we view people who go about singing all the time as a bit strange and walk away in the opposite direction sometimes we offer them some well meaning advice of ‘don’t do it’ but for those who are afflicted with unstoppable singing we herd them to classes in some old church or a drafty village hall and leave them there, where we know some old lavender and lace lady will come along and strike the fear of god into them we know this because we have usually paid her and it is all we have in the way of a music teacher in these ‘ere parts,

but apparently in disney world/land they have some kind of feeling let’s say happy great let’s all sing and dance in the hallway of the high school because we feel happy, so happy we just have to burst into song and have a whole bunch of incredibly pretty-plain students behind us all dancing in perfect co-ordinated group dance moves, or let’s say hungry grrreat let’s all sing and dance in the cafeteria of the high school with a whole bunch of pretty-plain cafeteria helpers dancing in perfect group dancing behind us, or sporty ooooh even better let’s all run out onto the playing field and ermmm oh yeah I know sing and dance! whooo, hmm I actually have some american friends -yeah I know there’s a world where even I have friends whoo let’s all sing an……….no?……..oh okay forgot I was english for a moment there so my american friends are your high school memories mostly of

A studying

B studying and feeling awkward cos you’re a teenager and panicking about no one ever fancying you oh erm again that ones me

orrrrr C singing and dancing everywhere yay whoooo

you do realise that unless you answer C I won’t believe you don’t you?

whoo yay it's christmas! it's not? but what is the point of dark wintery evenings if it is not christmas? that is the whole point of winter it's the scene setter for chirstmas whoooo

whoo yay it’s christmas! it’s not? but what is the point of dark wintery evenings if it is not christmas? that is the whole point of winter it’s the scene setter for chirstmas whoooo

 

 

throughout the long cold and wintery evenings that have so far been filled with musically challenged teenagers, I thought I could survive after all my teenager would soon be old enough to share in the joke with me, but then not only did I realise I had another two daughters but —–please imagine some kind of dark and somber scary music here along the lines of de de de dummmmmm —–that’s great I am quite sure bela lugosi would be proud of you,  had he still been alive and indeed been able to hear your rendering of scary music, anyway you are getting me away from the point with all your scary music anyone would think you were an american high schooler or something so

-just a quick aside here did you know that if you leave your mobile in your jacket pocket and that said jacket is hung over the radiator then when you go to answer it you will burn your ear?, nope? well it is absolutely true I tell you and I know because I now have a very sore ear and a very hot mobile-

so back to scary music scene setting whooo dark cold wintry evening ermm where was I going with this oh yeah pre-teen girl stuff which I am now living through three times, yeah read that and weep, for me, please? so after living through the carnage which is high school musical see I bet no one can say that phrase, no I said say, in reality everyone sings it, they have too because it’s the only way, it gets burned on to your brain you know, so yeah proving there is life after high schoooooool musical yeah I sung it, you wanna make something of it? huh? no? good because I am  english and that ermm means I like tea a lot? no I don’t like tea at all ermm just think of some other stereotypical englisher person thing will you I am talking here- ermm anyway I survived told you I was a survivor ^_^ and what comes along next yeeah that’s right dark winter evenings, scary music, and pretty vampires,  yup, now in this world vampires are normally quite ugly and, well, let’s face it fictitious, but no I hear you cry, oh wait you are really just crying aren’t you well go sob somewhere else because I am about to reveal a monumental secret about me okay here goes ——————-whispers I love edward too————yup I do ^_^ okay it all started back when I had to buy one of the daughters a birthday present. I had already sorted the main goings on but wanted something little, something we could do together like a dvd, my oldest and I love watching dvds together; usually some kind of horror but heck it was her birthday and I had vaguely heard that Twilight was a bit of a thing, sooo  I bought her the dvd,

*sigh* coooeee eddie babes i am over here hiya ^_^ what? no i am not married? gosh no those aren't my kids who told you that nasty rumours oh yes that is my chihuahua yeah we are kinda inseparable, see its a case of love me love my chi ^_^ see what i did there? what you can only love my dog? aww hey now that is just not on mister ozzy sort him out nasty man

*sigh* coooeee eddie babes i am over here hiya ^_^ what? no i am not married? gosh no those aren’t my kids who told you that nasty rumours oh yes that is my chihuahua yeah we are kinda inseparable, see its a case of love me love my chi ^_^ see what i did there? what you can only love my dog? aww hey now that is just not on mister ozzy sort him out nasty man

aww this is my darling ozzy ozboz my tiny chi and my constant companion except right now he is attacking a sparkly vampire

aww this is my darling ozzy ozboz my tiny chi and my constant companion except right now he is attacking a sparkly vampire

see now any real story from someone else perhaps someone sane or at least has their feet relatively grounded in planet earth would end their story there, but what have I told you? yeah that’s right I am not most people, especially not the sane ones, or those other ones, so I pop in the dvd and then proceed to get out all the sweeties and we begin to watch, two hours later or something like that, daughter mutters how it was ‘alright’ and waves her hand in front of my face, I think she was said something like ‘dad what’s wrong with mum? but I am not sure, because right there the whole world changed and suddenly I was in love with edward, yeah I know I was a old err grown errr  okay I was a married woman,  who now looks at her hubby  and says “but you don’t sparkle” and whoop just like that I was gone, to buy all the books and all dvds and yes it really is a fact that I went to the cinema 8 times to watch twilight, ten times to watch new moon- you get the picture I still proudly have my edward keyring on my keys as it happens daughter didn’t even get to second book, pffft part timer

now before we embarked on this educational tour of how the world has singing teenagers and pretty vampires I was going to say that in order to survive the horrors of watching disney channel then you need to adopt some survival techniques like I did, one of which is playing the game let’s all watch the bystander, now this works for just about anything you have to watch but is especially effective in kids tv (or old top of the pops shows but that’s an english thing ^_^ ) so for instance you have been stuck with ermm

see now I have to store this odious picture on my laptop just so I can prove a point to you now I will have to apologise to my poor laptop oh yeah like you never speak to your laptop, don't you?

see now I have to store this odious picture on my laptop just so I can prove a point to you now I will have to apologise to my poor laptop oh yeah like you never speak to your laptop, don’t you?

 

the suite life–no honestly I am not kidding you that’s their attempt at humour they spell it that way because to them it’s funny so we smile and, look my mum told me to not mock the afflicted okay, yeah I know I never listen to her at all, about anything, ever, and she has been dead a long time anyway, but well it’s just not nice okay

 

wait until they are at a crowd scene, which for   disney means even one person who is not main character ‘cos they don’t like paying too many actors and usually prefer to use the same main characters in not only every show they do, but to re-use them in crowd scenes in other shows but hey back to the game so the main spotlight is on main character who is saying their lines and smiling at the canned laughter, great, forget all about that and as they do their thing watch the guy or girl in the background, they have been given a rough outline of what they have to do and that’s it so watch them, like a hawk, I love it because they know the camera will only ever glimpse at them so they don’t have to come alive until that point and everything else they do they think is just filler, I make up sad names for them usually based loosely on what talent they may or may not have or sometimes if I am feeling particularly witty I will just go with  big nose it’s a good fill in and useful for all and I imagine they go home and their mum is all like

“hey did you do good today or what”

“yeah mum I stood and smiled so good they are bound to notice me next week”

“you sure did honey maybe next time you could improvise you could smile and ermm, I know wave yes wave!” they probably high five next because all tv families do that don’t they? we only high five dogs in england, honestly soon as we get a dog of any kind the first trick we teach it is high five, even though we would never dream of using high five on anything but a dog, the dog is probably very confused it is not sure if it is in america and the family speaks with a funny accent or if it is in england and the family is insane and teaching it tricks it can never use unless in america, and then as it fades away to the next scene we will have just enough time to hear the mum say’no honey your nose is not that big anyway the kind cosmetic surgeon will soon sort that out”

 

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4 responses

  1. Disney Hell. As a former American high schooler I can honestly say the only singing and dancin’ in the halls was if someone set someone else’s ass on fire! And yes, that happens. So…you fell into the Twilight trap huh? Not me, have seen one of the movies and I resisted the hypnotic charm of the blood suckin cutie pie. One of the few I suspect, as I’ve heard tales of how many ‘women’ love the little neck biter.

  2. Hi! I just love the way you write! I’m smiling all along. (Not singing, even though I went to an American high school). I like to watch the bystanders too, cause you never know what they’ll be doing! Also the props on set to see if they are the same in each scene, cause sometimes they are not! 🙂

    1. hiya ^_^ great to see i am not the only one! i love people watching where i go i suppose some would say then i should like reality tv shows like big brother but i don’t it just seems somehow false and contrived where as watching bystanders is much more fun ^_^ i guess it”s right you should always be aware because anyone could be watching and it’s probably me^_^ thank you for your lovely comment and for dropping by for a chat i will expect you to burst into song at any moment though ^_^ have a super sunday xx

  3. Yes, people watching is lots of fun, even at the grocery store. I like to see what is in their basket, then make up little stories of why they would be buying that variety of items! I do like reality shows, though, Big Brother being my favorite.;-) Some of them do seemed staged, however. Well, I sing to the cats here at home, but everyone else better cover their ears…it’s bad!!! Hope your weekend was lovely, and the coming week is all you want it to be!

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