back again

so sorry my wonderful friends i have been so poorly the last attack was the worst i have had and i am still wiped out from it but slowly getting to a point where i am at least able to focus and so hi everyone hope everyone has been enjoying good times and i shall share with you now some beautiful women dancing and looking gorgeous from 1973 ^_^

for those who are interested i did manage to start college but have been so ill i didn’t manage to attend these last two weeks hopefully the tutors have been compassionate enough to let me carry on with the course i can only cross my fingers at this point and hope i haven’t missed too much. The course has been quite enlightening for the time i have managed to attend and has how can i put this erm it sort of blew me away at first and it soon became quite clear that it was not going to be what i had expected, for those of you new to my blog hi and welcome and the course i am trying to do is counselling with a view to specializing in counselling for the bereaved, so first of all i had the wrong idea of what would be expected of me i had gone in with all these lovely thoughts of how i would help people who were undergoing the very difficult experience of grief and though i knew it would be difficult and i knew i would suffer because i do tend to be ‘soft’ as my husband puts it. i thought my main problems would be learning how not to take my ‘work’ home with me or how to toughen up and not cry  etc but nooooo turns out that’s nothing that’s expected and its small fry compared to what actually happens. So within the first week i stumble out of college thinking what the hell have i taken on, not worried about the academic side although it is daunting, not worried about me being too soft although it is a fact, nope and nope again the biggest head blown massive anxiety attack inducing problem? i shall tell you dear friend – i have to undergo mandatory counselling myself.

Did you read that? did it actually worry you? if the answer is no then great you either had a wonderful life and never had any awful experiences which is fantastic or you had experiences and have coped well and have carried on well adjusted and able to cope well with life, or

if you read it and felt immediate shock and indeed horror then you are like me and panicked, you see i automatically panic because there are so many damn experiences in my life i wouldn’t know where to start,.*sigh* my life is basically a psychotherapists dream; enough work to keep them employed for life plus a few damn good books and a major film deal and that’s all before i achieved adult hood, from there it simply became more repetitive.

That first week i had to seriously sit down and have a major think about it all and so in the end after much sleep lost and too much head space being taken up with the thinking and the resulting nightmares that obligingly happen each time i am forced to remember any of it i finally decided i would see this course through; it is only 24 weeks long and between the end of this one and when the next one starts i would sit and have another think about how i carry on or if i carry on.

Now dear friend do not get me wrong i can see where they are coming from, it is plainly obvious that if i am to help others and the way to help them is to help them find a way of them helping themselves ,if you follow me, then part of that is the idea that they would talk to me and open up to me and through this the way forward would be found, see the key issue there is they would open up to me. Now how can i expect them to open up to me if i am not only still refusing to deal with my own demons but i will not open up to anyone else about me having demons in the first place.

All those lovely ideas of me listening to people and being there for them have vanished and are replaced with the idea i now have to open up to a group of people i do not know and tell them stuff i won’t even talk to my best friend about.

There have been various times in my life where i either was suddenly forced into having a therapist/counsellor or ‘advised’ to have one and each time i stubbornly rebelled, refused and well walked out and that was the end of that. I always thought it just made the problem worse i never saw how talking about something did any good, even those others i saw of my friends going to counselling always seemed much worse when they came out of it and just made me absolutely sure it was the devils work.

There was just one time, the very last time and it wasn’t even for myself really though i was offered it, but a couple of years ago (for those who wish to ready more about i have written as much as i could about the experience in the getting to know me sections of this blog) after going through a most horrendous bereavement as a family my second daughter was given grief counselling and the lady who became our counsellor was amazing, a brilliant lady who helped me to see that not all counsellors were the spawn of the devil and some in fact were quite nice ^_^ so that was me inspired and wanting to be a grief counsellor. Fast forward to today and i am dreading going to college this week but i will force myself and gritting my teeth and biting my tongue i shall hopefully emerge unscathed and well enough to write another blog post until then i shall leave you now while i go find a picture to share with you all

love and peace to all

k

x